Feel.

It’s been a while since I wrote, and as I do, I realise exactly how much I missed it, and how much more I regret that I did not put enough effort to keep writing.

 

This one’s a reflection, as clear as I can try to make it, of what I feel at the moment.

I like my space. It clears up my head, helps me think and see more clearly, and keeps me sane.
And so, wanting to have this space for myself everywhere I go, everything I do, is but natural.
I make no attempt to empathize with people who don’t place this similar importance on space.

This is me.

 

I like my autonomy. I function better, work more efficiently, and am 100% productive if I so choose to be.
Wanting the autonomy everywhere I go cannot be wrong, for that is how I’d like to be. That is how I find I am most useful.
I don’t see enough reason to give up my autonomy as I go along, quite simply because it defines me- Adds to my identity.

This is me.

 

I like to stop and smile. With passion flowing through me, I see no reason not to let it show.
Life is full of the littlest precious things that make me smile a rare, watery-eyed smile. Things that most people rush past and don’t see…
Things that a fast-paced, competitive life doesn’t give you time to see.
I cannot bring myself to stay away from passionate emotions that draw me. Losing myself occasionally is inevitable, and I am unapologetic for it.

This is me.

 

I seek meaning. In everything.
In music. In quiet. In noise. In travelling. In dancing. In exercising. In screaming. In crying. In loving. In hating. In sleeping. In waking.
In living.
I cannot convince myself into anything that seems redundant or makes no meaning to me.

This is me.

 

I am smart. Very.
I know it because I feel it.
I know it because I’ve sensed and seen it.
I know it because, on the rare occasions I’ve shone out, they’ve been of absolute brilliance.
I cannot be expected to seem smart at all times. And if you’ve known me and not experienced it, it’s because you don’t inspire it. My motivation to apply myself depends solely on inspiration.
I believe everybody’s does.

This is me.

 

I am capable of greatness.
I know this because I can feel it in my bones.
I know this because I finally understand where all my undecidedness stems from.
See… To not know what you want to do, what you want to become… Because everything seems doable… That’s how I know I am capable of greatness.
But alas, knowing I may not be able to do a lot of those great things simply because I don’t aspire for them enough, is also something I have to live with.

This is me.

 

This is me, now.

 

And I wish you were more like me.

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The Fear is Real.

The fear to love.

The fear to live.

The fear to trust.

The fear of giving in.

The fear of losing out.

The fear of being left out.

The fear of having too much.

The fear of having nothing at all.

The fear of relapse.

The fear of emptiness.

The fear of the dark.

The fear of the light.

The fear of the unknown.

The fear of knowing too much.

The fear of being crazy.

The fear of not having lived enough.

The fear of prejudice.

The fear of an absence of reason.

The fear OF reason.

The fear of people.

The fear of loneliness.

The fear of dying.

The fear of pain.

The fear of uncertainty.

The fear of belonging.

The fear of never belonging.

 

The fear of living.

The fear of life.

The fear of dying.

The fear of death.

The fear of emptiness.

 

The fear of loving,

and The fear of not.

 

 

The absence of fear.

 

 

The fear of nothing at all.

 

You don’t know what you’ve got

I had a bad day.

 

It started off as a hopeful day. Got bad briefly, bad enough to break me down. But then it was okay.

My friends made it okay.

Hell, they did better than that. They broke me down again, but this time, these were tears of gratitude.

 

You don’t know what you’ve got because you’re too occupied taking it all for granted most of the time. I’m feeling all warm and mushy and I’m teary-eyed even as I write this post because I learnt you don’t need to be in love to give or take love. You can love by just being there… By just caring…

 

For the most part, I’m a terrible person to everyone around me, friends included. I just am, and there’s no excuse for being that way I know; but when your friends still have your back to the point where they pick up the shattered pieces of you, patiently put it all together, and even more patiently wait for you to be whole again, you realise you don’t know what you’ve got.

I have friends who care enough to set everything aside and be there for me. Friends who are honest even though it might upset me. Friends who feel bad, genuinely, and fix it for me as if it was their own back they were covering.

And I love you guys for this. I may never show it, I may in fact still be mean to you just like all those times I have been before (I promise I’ll work on this side of me), but I want you to know how humbled I am right now. Yeah, there’s that possibility that I’m very emotionally influenced at the moment, and everything I say here might be an exaggeration. But I’d like to say it anyway.

 

And so… Thank You.

 

For what it’s worth, I love you two loads, and I never want to lose¬†you.

2335 hours, Friday, 25/03/2016

I should be studying right now you know. I should have been studying since about 2 hours or so.
It’s crazy how this happens every single time; where I have an exam coming up in a matter of hours but then I also have the most awesome ideas wrt my life in general.! If there really is a Heaven and Hell, and God and the devil, I’m pretty sure the devil is having one hell of a good time messing with my life right now.

Okay. So this is what I’ve decided. I’ve been thinking about how I have to study for that really important exam happening tomorrow all the while that I’ve been typing… And so I’ve decided that I will get to it soon. The studying I mean.
Once this post has been shared of course.

After I’ve publicized it. It’s my first post after all.

I should probably also share this over my Facebook and Whatsapp to build an audience. No?

Hell while I’m at it, I might as well share over my Twitter, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Qinterest, NOinterest accounts as well. They say building an audience to your initial posts will take some effort.
I should know. I did all this for my first blog meetthemelomaniac too.

And since I’ve brought that up, you should go check out http://meetthemelomaniac.wordpress.com . It’s where I share a really good playlist of music I think is awesome, every week. Admitted, I haven’t shared a post there in a while, but I swear the blog is still awesome.

Okay. I should really get to that study now.

Right after I’ve published this.

And after I’ve shared it all over the web of course. Duh!