It’s The Survival of The Fittest. Always.

You know… A lot has transpired and changed over the course of evolution, and yet, not a lot has changed. Darwin’s evolutionary theory of the survival of the fittest may have only been propounded in the case of natural selection or reproductive success back when it was ideated, but I don’t think Mr. Darwin would be strong against my associating it to mental states.

 

Let me get right to the point I’m making- The world isn’t designed for everyone.

This isn’t just about how a right-handed majority makes life a tad bit difficult for the left-handed. This is much more than that. This is about fitting into society… living life… being happy…

… Surviving.

 

It’s real easy for people like me to dislike all those around me who Get life. They seem to have more of it figured out than I probably ever will.

Key words in that above statement being Probably Ever Will.

 

It’s one thing to be a habitual pessimist. But it’s an entirely different matter to in fact not be one, but to instead be written off as one every single time you make an appeal for help… or just plead to be heard.

I don’t think I will ever figure life out at the rate it is going because it simply isn’t what I’m cut out for. It’s really that simple.

 

All that being said, I don’t dislike people. Being one in every five hundred or even a thousand people, obviously doesn’t make me more right and the multitude, more wrong. It just means I’m probably not going to survive if I keep swimming against their tide.

The cliches are incredibly frustrating because they’ve worn out the usage over situations that didn’t even conform. For example- You come across all those ever-optimistic (so optimistic that you just want to bury them in the sand) self-proclaimed philosophers out there who will tell you, and I quote, “Swimming against the tide is a good thing! It makes you unique!”…

Easier said than done. Always.

Being unique cannot be argued against. But is it really worth the constant down-phases, the self-doubt, the hopelessness, helplessness, and absolute sunken feeling?

Again, easier said than done. If you’re thinking “Yeah… Those emotional states don’t last long.. It’s a phase…”, you don’t have a f***ing clue what it actually is like be be down there; to be feeling all of that, and all at the same ****ing time.

 

There’s also people who try this to comfort you- They say “Oh! Well you know… The world has been shaped by those like you. You know… Eccentrics… Einstein, Steve Jobs…”

Agreed. But has that changed how the world nurtures “people like us”?

 

No.

 

If I had a Paisa for every single time someone told me to be more adjusting… conforming… I’d have about twenty Rupees. (1 INR = 100 Paisa)

 

Consider this- Don’t you think I’ve tried that? “Conforming”. “Fitting’in”. Being more like every single person out there? Don’t you think I’d happily want to trade good ol’ sorrowful, depression-prone, and often helpless me, for a version who felt less or none of all those things?

Isn’t it at all possible that maybe I am just built this way?

 

Changing who you are isn’t easy. It kills you. The person in you anyway.

 

I know I’m probably going to generate a lot of online hate for what I’m about to say- but I don’t care. I scroll through my Facebook page and look at what the tech and social media savvy people are up to, and I have no faith in the world at all. There’s self-proclaimed activists furiously fighting for gender equality, freedom of expression, speech, sexuality, sexual orientation, race…  And it seems to me like over half of them don’t have a clue what all of it actually means.

I mean, how are you out there fighting for these things and ignoring more pressing matters? Like the refugees, the deaths, the slaughtering, the vulnerability, the fact that nobody seems to know what’s going on in the world at the moment.

I believe in all of those things you fight for. And take my word for it when I say this, I actually know what I am talking about.

You conforming “normal” lot are so busy crowding online spaces fighting for people like me.

So why does it not comfort me?

Why does it not make me feel any less “left-out to die”?

 

 

 

 

All my ranting here is probably going to mean nothing. But it had to be done. THIS is how I’d like to fight the tide. Survive.

This might indeed still be Survival of the Fittest at play, which would simply mean that I have remote chances of survival at all (if any). But that’s okay. I think I have more fight in me than a lot of people who have it easier.

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The Fear is Real.

The fear to love.

The fear to live.

The fear to trust.

The fear of giving in.

The fear of losing out.

The fear of being left out.

The fear of having too much.

The fear of having nothing at all.

The fear of relapse.

The fear of emptiness.

The fear of the dark.

The fear of the light.

The fear of the unknown.

The fear of knowing too much.

The fear of being crazy.

The fear of not having lived enough.

The fear of prejudice.

The fear of an absence of reason.

The fear OF reason.

The fear of people.

The fear of loneliness.

The fear of dying.

The fear of pain.

The fear of uncertainty.

The fear of belonging.

The fear of never belonging.

 

The fear of living.

The fear of life.

The fear of dying.

The fear of death.

The fear of emptiness.

 

The fear of loving,

and The fear of not.

 

 

The absence of fear.

 

 

The fear of nothing at all.

 

You don’t know what you’ve got

I had a bad day.

 

It started off as a hopeful day. Got bad briefly, bad enough to break me down. But then it was okay.

My friends made it okay.

Hell, they did better than that. They broke me down again, but this time, these were tears of gratitude.

 

You don’t know what you’ve got because you’re too occupied taking it all for granted most of the time. I’m feeling all warm and mushy and I’m teary-eyed even as I write this post because I learnt you don’t need to be in love to give or take love. You can love by just being there… By just caring…

 

For the most part, I’m a terrible person to everyone around me, friends included. I just am, and there’s no excuse for being that way I know; but when your friends still have your back to the point where they pick up the shattered pieces of you, patiently put it all together, and even more patiently wait for you to be whole again, you realise you don’t know what you’ve got.

I have friends who care enough to set everything aside and be there for me. Friends who are honest even though it might upset me. Friends who feel bad, genuinely, and fix it for me as if it was their own back they were covering.

And I love you guys for this. I may never show it, I may in fact still be mean to you just like all those times I have been before (I promise I’ll work on this side of me), but I want you to know how humbled I am right now. Yeah, there’s that possibility that I’m very emotionally influenced at the moment, and everything I say here might be an exaggeration. But I’d like to say it anyway.

 

And so… Thank You.

 

For what it’s worth, I love you two loads, and I never want to lose you.

Of human relationships and bonding…

Remember when you met me for the first time?

 

You said something so trivial, so silly… And thinking about it now, it seems so meaningless, the conversation we had. Our first conversation.

 

My responses were silly too, blunt even.

 

I didn’t know you. You didn’t know me.

 

Yet we both were hoping for the start of something more meaningful…

 

You asked me what I did, where I lived, what made me smile… And I proceeded to ask you the same.

What did it matter right? What either of us did, where we lived, or what made us smile.. But we talked about it anyway.

We laughed at the silliest things. We tried to sound smarter than we were letting know. We were nervous, unsure, sceptical, a tad bit scared even.

But we still talked.

And the thing that hits me the most… about that conversation we had…

 

That was the best part of our relationship.

 

The two of us, strangers, exploring each other, looking for that something that would make us feel like we belonged to each other…

 

Do you remember that?

 

Do you remember how brief that first meeting was?

Funny isn’t it? We kept it brief, as if to show we didn’t really think about each other that much. As if to show the meeting was in fact… just another meeting.

But it wasn’t, was it?

 

I don’t believe there’s such a thing as “just another meeting”.

 

Do you remember going back home and thinking about me, as I did about you?

Wishing you had perhaps found a chance in our brief silly conversation, to take my number. Laying in bed later that night, didn’t you wish you could just talk to me some more?

Do you remember that?

 

Do I remind you now, of the time we finally did exchange numbers?

 

Of how excited we were, but didn’t want to show it to the other, and so we stalled.. Held back from sending messages.. from calling.

While all you wanted to do was start another conversation…

 

It makes me smile now.. the time we finally did send messages to each other… We talked about ourselves more… Explored each other more…

Do you remember that intimacy we shared?

Do you remember telling me about yourself, while I told you about me…?

 

The questions we asked… The way we tried to understand each other… all the while, looking for those quirks that we shared that would make us bond more intimately.

 

You remember don’t you…

 

I do. All the time.

And to me, this was the best part of our relationship.

 

This is the best part of any relationship.

 

When you don’t know, but are willing to learn about each other…

When you don’t expect a thing, and so every little thing I say warms your heart in the slightest…

When I can look forward to something new, which is you.

 

 

Do you remember this? Stranger…

 

 

Does it feel like we’ve met before?

Life is a compromise.

Have you ever wondered about the number of compromises you make every single day of your life? Be it the trivial little things like putting up with the baby in the neighbourhood who’s always crying, or more substantial things like knowing your local political goon gets away with a lot of stuff that “ordinary” citizens like you and I could never get away with, and keeping quiet about it.

Have you even actually paid attention every time you make a compromise? Or is it so routine that you don’t even notice whether or not you’re getting all you want out of life?

 

I wonder about compromises a lot. All the time in fact. It bothers me; and the phrase “Life is a compromise”, accepted by all as an axiom of life, troubles me the most. It doesn’t seem right. Should life really be a compromise?

 

calvinhobbs

 

Consider all the times you compromise. You compromise for family, for friends, for lovers, for colleagues, for bosses, for rulers, for teachers, for those with political power, for those with obscene monetary power, for those who can push you around, and sometimes for those so weak that empathy comes their way rather easily.

You compromise at home, in the neighbourhood, at work, over the internet, while you watch TV, in traffic, at the movies, in different social setups, in classrooms, in boardrooms, even while in the shower!

 

You compromise to avoid conflict and keep peace.

You compromise in order to stay out of trouble, because it would be less cumbersome to actually raise an issue and then deal with the follow-through of your actions.

You compromise because you are tired of trying to talk sense with people who simply don’t get it.

You compromise because you think, “let me me the better person here”.

You compromise because it’s the socially accepted thing to do. And God knows, you don’t want to be the rebel.

 

You compromise all the time because that’s what you’ve been taught to do.

 

WE compromise all the time, because that’s how we’ve all been brought up.

 

-That in order to live life, you must compromise.

-That for the sake of not just your safety, but for the safety of everybody you care about, your best approach to life is Compromise.

-And that if you don’t compromise, you’re being abnormal, difficult, selfish, eccentric, unnatural, and are out of line.

 

But then, what if you really don’t want to compromise?

What if you’re tired of doing it all the time, in every single situation you’re in?

 

Is it wrong to want this?

Does it make me abnormal, eccentric, selfish, and out of line to want this?

 

And more important, is it possible at all, that anyone wanting to just experience a blissful life of minimal compromise, will get their way?

 

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2335 hours, Friday, 25/03/2016

I should be studying right now you know. I should have been studying since about 2 hours or so.
It’s crazy how this happens every single time; where I have an exam coming up in a matter of hours but then I also have the most awesome ideas wrt my life in general.! If there really is a Heaven and Hell, and God and the devil, I’m pretty sure the devil is having one hell of a good time messing with my life right now.

Okay. So this is what I’ve decided. I’ve been thinking about how I have to study for that really important exam happening tomorrow all the while that I’ve been typing… And so I’ve decided that I will get to it soon. The studying I mean.
Once this post has been shared of course.

After I’ve publicized it. It’s my first post after all.

I should probably also share this over my Facebook and Whatsapp to build an audience. No?

Hell while I’m at it, I might as well share over my Twitter, Tumblr, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Qinterest, NOinterest accounts as well. They say building an audience to your initial posts will take some effort.
I should know. I did all this for my first blog meetthemelomaniac too.

And since I’ve brought that up, you should go check out http://meetthemelomaniac.wordpress.com . It’s where I share a really good playlist of music I think is awesome, every week. Admitted, I haven’t shared a post there in a while, but I swear the blog is still awesome.

Okay. I should really get to that study now.

Right after I’ve published this.

And after I’ve shared it all over the web of course. Duh!