A Letter to the Daughter I hope I Never Have.

Hello Sweetheart,

Welcome to the World.

I wish the circumstances under which I wrote this for you were better, or had me feeling more positive for you. But things beings as they are, this is what I have to say to you…

 

The world is a bad place.

I see good people every now and then, but I wish that instilled in me more confidence for you.

Sadly, it doesn’t.

And given that things are as they are, whether or not there are good people out there, I am expected to be a good parent- a good mother- and protect you.

 

See… This part baffles me, because I don’t know how.

I don’t know how to protect you.

Should I smother you with all my love and affection, and swear to keep you safe for the rest of my life, while consciously ignoring the awareness that I am taking your individuality and life away from you?

Or should I love you the way I wish my parents had?

 

Should I raise you to value and treasure your innocence, while also raise you to be more aware of defending yourself from any harm? This would mean letting go of you when the time is right…

 

Truth be told, sweetheart, I would raise you this way. Dangers, come as they may, should not mean I take away your rightful freedom to experience and discover life for yourself.

 

There is so much to see, sweetheart… So much to experience. So much to do…

And yes, your life will always be in danger.

 

Growing up female isn’t easy, sweetheart; I will not lie.

Every single day you spend might be a fight, an accomplishment even.

You’re going to have it harder to prove your worth… To be taken seriously… To have valid opinions…

There are of course, good people.

But we’re outnumbered, sweetheart.

I can promise you this- Growing up as a girl is always going to be a fight. Right from when you’re raised, to the day you breathe your last.

Life, is a fight, sweetheart. And men don’t have life any easy.

But to put things into perspective, your additional burden to bear, is that you will also have to fight prejudice from men and women around you.

You will always find yourself reminded of your femininity, your gender, and your feminine duties towards society.

You will rarely find yourself not being thoroughly assessed.

And men and women alike, will judge you and everything you are and stand for.

 

And if I wanted, I could protect you from all of this.

 

Or could I?

 

 

No. Your life will always be in danger…

 

But it isn’t just your life I want to worry about, sweetheart… It’s You. I want you to live. I want you to experience. I want you to do. I want you to be strong, stand on your own feet, and fight for yourself.

While I will always be there for you if you need me.

 

This is how I would like to care for you…

 

But sadly, it seems I may not be able to do so.

Society has me considering having you, so that I can keep you alive.

So that if I smothered you, kept all harm and danger away from you, and let not a scratch on your tender, delicate, pure skin, you will be okay.

But I’m not sure.

Will you be okay?

 

Will you be happy, sweetheart?

 

I know I wouldn’t be.

 

Being a woman shouldn’t have to be such a cross to bear, sweetheart, but sadly, it is.

And society has me considering raising you to be fully aware of your curse at all times…

By clinging on to you, a creation of mine, so tightly that it suffocated you.

By watching your every move, screening your every friend, moderating your every attire, regulating your alone time, restricting your outside hours…

Society has me cornered in the guise of saving you… Keeping you alive.

 

But I can’t do that sweetheart.

 

I can’t smother you. I can’t love and care for you so much that it ate into your very individuality.

I can’t be that parent.

 

I won’t be that parent.

 

And so, I’m sorry sweetheart, but I hope I never have you.

 

You deserve better.

You deserve to live a full life that is yours, and yours alone.

And quite frankly, the world isn’t ready for that.

 

And so, I am truly sorry sweetheart, but I hope I never have you.

It’s The Survival of The Fittest. Always.

You know… A lot has transpired and changed over the course of evolution, and yet, not a lot has changed. Darwin’s evolutionary theory of the survival of the fittest may have only been propounded in the case of natural selection or reproductive success back when it was ideated, but I don’t think Mr. Darwin would be strong against my associating it to mental states.

 

Let me get right to the point I’m making- The world isn’t designed for everyone.

This isn’t just about how a right-handed majority makes life a tad bit difficult for the left-handed. This is much more than that. This is about fitting into society… living life… being happy…

… Surviving.

 

It’s real easy for people like me to dislike all those around me who Get life. They seem to have more of it figured out than I probably ever will.

Key words in that above statement being Probably Ever Will.

 

It’s one thing to be a habitual pessimist. But it’s an entirely different matter to in fact not be one, but to instead be written off as one every single time you make an appeal for help… or just plead to be heard.

I don’t think I will ever figure life out at the rate it is going because it simply isn’t what I’m cut out for. It’s really that simple.

 

All that being said, I don’t dislike people. Being one in every five hundred or even a thousand people, obviously doesn’t make me more right and the multitude, more wrong. It just means I’m probably not going to survive if I keep swimming against their tide.

The cliches are incredibly frustrating because they’ve worn out the usage over situations that didn’t even conform. For example- You come across all those ever-optimistic (so optimistic that you just want to bury them in the sand) self-proclaimed philosophers out there who will tell you, and I quote, “Swimming against the tide is a good thing! It makes you unique!”…

Easier said than done. Always.

Being unique cannot be argued against. But is it really worth the constant down-phases, the self-doubt, the hopelessness, helplessness, and absolute sunken feeling?

Again, easier said than done. If you’re thinking “Yeah… Those emotional states don’t last long.. It’s a phase…”, you don’t have a f***ing clue what it actually is like be be down there; to be feeling all of that, and all at the same ****ing time.

 

There’s also people who try this to comfort you- They say “Oh! Well you know… The world has been shaped by those like you. You know… Eccentrics… Einstein, Steve Jobs…”

Agreed. But has that changed how the world nurtures “people like us”?

 

No.

 

If I had a Paisa for every single time someone told me to be more adjusting… conforming… I’d have about twenty Rupees. (1 INR = 100 Paisa)

 

Consider this- Don’t you think I’ve tried that? “Conforming”. “Fitting’in”. Being more like every single person out there? Don’t you think I’d happily want to trade good ol’ sorrowful, depression-prone, and often helpless me, for a version who felt less or none of all those things?

Isn’t it at all possible that maybe I am just built this way?

 

Changing who you are isn’t easy. It kills you. The person in you anyway.

 

I know I’m probably going to generate a lot of online hate for what I’m about to say- but I don’t care. I scroll through my Facebook page and look at what the tech and social media savvy people are up to, and I have no faith in the world at all. There’s self-proclaimed activists furiously fighting for gender equality, freedom of expression, speech, sexuality, sexual orientation, race…  And it seems to me like over half of them don’t have a clue what all of it actually means.

I mean, how are you out there fighting for these things and ignoring more pressing matters? Like the refugees, the deaths, the slaughtering, the vulnerability, the fact that nobody seems to know what’s going on in the world at the moment.

I believe in all of those things you fight for. And take my word for it when I say this, I actually know what I am talking about.

You conforming “normal” lot are so busy crowding online spaces fighting for people like me.

So why does it not comfort me?

Why does it not make me feel any less “left-out to die”?

 

 

 

 

All my ranting here is probably going to mean nothing. But it had to be done. THIS is how I’d like to fight the tide. Survive.

This might indeed still be Survival of the Fittest at play, which would simply mean that I have remote chances of survival at all (if any). But that’s okay. I think I have more fight in me than a lot of people who have it easier.